Does Your Marriage Have What It Takes to Last a Lifetime?
by Nathan A. Cherry, 08/18/2011
Martinsburg, WV – The fact that marriage is under attack from all sides is undeniable. A simple look around society, peering into the halls of our government, or even time spent
watching cable television will quickly reveal that marriage has many enemies. An aspect to the fight to protect marriage that is often overlooked is the critical part gender roles play in marriage. The belief that there are some things men are responsible for and some things women are responsible to handle.
Now, before you start distorting your face and throwing objects in closest proximity, bear with me for a few moments. What this is not, is a treatise on proper gender roles. True, I have written about the subject and you can view those articles here, or here, even here. What I do want to do is comment on a recent article discussing how divorce trends are changing in light of the “divorce boom” of the 70’s and 80’s.
Divorce and gender roles do go hand in hand. So when I read about changing divorce trends I instantly begin looking for the gender role trends that accompany the change and seek to evaluate it. This article did not disappoint in this aspect. The writer uses comments from an author, Iris Krasnow, whose new book ‘The Secret Lives of Women” is due out in October. Ms. Krasnow immediately shares one of her main conclusions form her research on what it takes to have a happy and lasting marriage.
“The happiest marriages are the ones where both partners have their own life, their own income, their own interests.” The unhappiest marriages are the ones where someone is swallowed by the other.”
I do agree that an unhappy marriage happens when one person is swallowed up in another. Personal identity is important to lasting happiness as humans, so it makes sense that this is necessary in marriage. However, it seems Ms. Krasnow is suggesting that the happiest marriages are those where both spouses work outside the home (to have their own income). I strongly disagree with this. Removing the central aspect of the home and the need to maintain a strong family/home link is detrimental to the marriage and the family.
Krasnow goes on to share more of her “conclusions” on what it takes to have a happy marriage. As I read what she said I get an overwhelming sense of cynicism from her. It’s almost as if she has determined that marriage is going to be miserable, yet because it is economically better, better for your health, and because it creates “history” for your kids, it’s best just to suffer through it.
Sorry, but I don’t see marriage in this way. Perhaps if two people are unwilling to work together, compromise, and learn to be less selfish and more giving will marriage be like this. But, with two people willing to do all in their power to be the best spouse and parent they can be marriage can be the subject of fairytales and movies.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a daydreamer that doesn’t quite live in reality when it comes to marriage (you can ask my wife). I’m a realist, one that believes marriage is very hard work. I don’t believe for a moment that every second of married life is fun and exciting. And, quite frankly, all the reality shows that depict engagement and wedding ceremonies in unrealistic terms are doing more harm than good for marriage.
But, unlike Ms. Krasnow, I believe marriage can be romantic for 50 years, I don’t advocate keeping secrets, and I certainly don’t think people should walk into marriage with a cynical view.
I do however; believe marriage is worth fighting for and preserving. I do believe that marriage between a man and woman is the best environment for kids to grow up in.
I did find some common ground with Ms. Krasnow when she said “You can leave each other…But once you have children, you can’t leave the marriage… it becomes bigger than you.”
The best thing, the things worth fighting for are always bigger than we are. Anything smaller than us is not worth our time.
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